Would I survive a Zombie Apocalypse? The short answer is, “No.”
From the first news reports, the first pictures on the TV, I would have a heart attack and die in self-defense.
It would be the same if I were swimming and saw a shark coming toward me. If I’m going to die, I’m doing it on my own terms, dammit!
If, however, that didn’t happen, I just might survive because of a couple of my other personality traits and some life experiences.
Firstly, I’m cautious. If the zombies haven’t reached town yet, I’m the first one taking off. Why wait? Also, if they’re already shuffling down the street I’m not the person who, like in the movies, wants to go outside and “see what’s going on,” or the scoffer who says, “nothing’s going to happen,” or the idjit who just has to have a _____________ (fill in the blank with diet pop, pack of cigarettes, whatever). Nopers. I’m the one who, after barricading herself into the house, is standing in the kitchen wondering how long she can last on the food she has. Starvation, I think, is better than feeding the f**kers my brains! And who knows? Maybe someone will find a cure before the food runs out.
The second trait on my side? I’m wily and quick to move when the effluvium hits the oscillating blades. I’m making decisions and doing stuff, not waiting around to “see how things go.” Is there a handy gun shop or army base? I’m busting in and arming myself (hopefully my dear hubby hasn’t been turned yet and will show me which ammo goes with that AK47, because I just may have to take it all and sort it out after I hole up somewhere). I’m finding a bolt hole, securing it, getting some gasoline and whatever else I think I’ll need, which leads to the life experience that will be helpful…
I grew up in a (as they’re euphemistically called) “Developing Country.” Even better, it’s one that quite often gets threatened and hit by hurricanes. I know what a true essential is and what’s just a silly flight of fancy you’re probably not going to need. I’m also low maintenance. I won’t be the woman lugging a makeup case while tottering around in high heels. Uh-uh. I’m the one in the hiking boots with the knapsack, carrying a big-ass gun, bandoliers over her shoulders, running as fast as a short, no-longer-young woman can move. And, believe me, when I have to, that’s pretty damn fast.
Lastly, I might make it because, deep down inside, I believe in humanity and our ability to survive if we just band together and be smart. I’m finding the winning team and joining it, or forming it if I have to. Band with me, and we’ll try to get through it together.
Just don’t get stupid, because I’m not saving you. That’s not in the survival plan!
The theme this time around is all about the zombiepocalypse. Oh sure, you’ve seen the movies, you know what to do. But would you really do it?
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’d be as bad as the guys in Shaun of the Dead and head straight for the pub. At least I don’t think I would. But then again, I don’t have a full plan like some people I know. Plans, you say? Yes, plans.
There’s my nephew who has made the decision that when the zombiepocalypse happens, he’s going to his parents’ house, burn all the homes in a quarter-mile around their house and stake out on top of his dad’s shed (it’s roughly the size of a small airplane hangar). Now that’s planning. He has his defensible position picked out, a means to make sure he can see the enemy coming…so sorry about the neighbors though. This is serious business to him.
My brother plans to hang out at either Wal-mart or Sams. I don’t think that’s the best plan of action myself. I mean, isn’t that where everyone’s going to go when the zombies come? They’ll decide at the last-minute that they need to get some milk or something. Not to mention, there are just too many entrances into the building for my comfort. Sure, it has everything you’d need to survive for a good while, but you’ll have to fend off other survivors and the zombies. Not exactly my cup of tea.
Then there’s this belief that if you go out in the middle of nowhere, where there are no people, your chances of being the target of a zombie attack. But you’re also far from all supplies you might need. First aid, food, ammunition, etc. Sure, you could stockpile this stuff, but you will run out. The question is will you outlast the zombies or not? Besides, I seriously doubt a zombie infection would be isolated to humans. You could be out there in the woods surrounded by zombie squirrels, zombie rabbits…zombie mosquitoes! It’s dangerous!
As for me? Well, I already know I’d never survive the zombiepocalypse. It wouldn’t matter how prepared I was. I could go all Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2 dangerous and I’d still die. Why? Because I can’t stand being dirty or having dirty hair. It’s an OCD thing with me. It’s also why I don’t go camping. Hair must be washed daily. All the zombies would have to do to make a snack out of me is to wait for me to corner myself in a bathroom (because yeah, I would have to stay somewhere with running water, even if it’s a cistern) and take me out.
Hi, I’m Danica, your zombie hostess. Welcome to the zombiepocalypse. How do you like your brains? Shaken or stirred?